Sammy: Hey! Happy Birthday!

Tom: Hey you too!

Sammy: That's not how it works. Oh by the way, I brought my friend Jack, if that's OK?

Tom: That's fine, yeah.

Sammy: It's just he has this...

Jack: I'm here, I'm queer! (coughs) I mean I'm just here, I'm not gay.

Tom: OK... That's fine.

Jack: I'm really sorry. I'm not gay.

Tom: No it's fine if you are, Tim's gay.

Tim: Hi!

Tom: Do you want me to introduce you or...

Sammy: Oh no, Jack has a condition.

Jack: I... can't enter a room without telling everyone that I'm gay. It's a nervous thing. It's worse with new people.

Tom: I'm gonna go over there...


Jack: Hello, me again I like men! I don't... WOMEN is what I was meant to say.

Tom: Please stop.

Jack: I have a condition.

Tom: Being gay is not a condition!

Jack: I'm not gay!


Jack: Alright gang, I like wang! Knock knock! I like cock! Have you heard the news, I'm into dudes. Hello Hello, give me a blow, job, if your a man! Oh no come back.

Sammy: What's the happ's, I hate the blacks.

Tom: Have you got a condition as well?

Sammy: Nope just racist!


Jack: What's up? I'm a homosexual.

Tom: Didn't even rhyme.

Sammy: Obama, Oprah, young Michael Jackson...

Jack: Alright, alright, lets have some fun, when I came out to my dad he said 'I have no son'...

Sammy: I'd say about a fifth of the Spice Girls.

Tom: You really do have a problem, don't you?

Jack: Yes!

Tom: Wait, have you ever tried walking into a room backwards?

Sammy: Oh!

Jack: (Back to camera) Hello I hate gay people.

Tom: Wow! That is much worse!

Jack: Why? What did I say?

Tom: You don't know what you're doing? Do you?

Sammy: What if you said nothing?

Tom: Oh!

(Jack waves)

Tom: See that wasn't so... Jack!

Jack: (Snogging Tim) AH!! All him. No, not my idea.

Girl: Why doesn't he try coming in through the window?

(Everyone agrees)

Jack: (Climbs through window) Hi.


Vicar: I now pronounce you husband, and husband. You may kiss the groom.

(Applause) (Tom and Jack gasping)

Jack: I'm not gay!

Mrs.Johnson: (Clapping) I love it!

(End credits)